Owen Baker-Flynn

Carleen F. South Kingstown, RI

4/4 3:15 pm: order received.

4/5 9:35 am: book ready to be processed.

4/5 9:37 am: Out of envelopes. Went to Walgreens to purchase appropriate envelope.

4/5 12:15 pm. Just got back from Walgreens. Will take to Post Office in a couple of hours.

4/5 2:44 pm: Heading out to Post Office now.

4/5 3:09 pm Handed package of Postal Agent Kim. Kim was in a good mood having just gotten back from lunch. Kim won $500,000 on, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" back in 2006. After taxes she took home around $350,000 and thought, "Wow! I can finally buy a house in San Francisco!" Unfortunately with only $350,000 she only thought she could buy a house in San Francisco. Instead she socked it away in the bank and is now earning .025% interest annually.

4/5 3:16 pm Agent Kim takes your package and casually tossed it in the bin for overseas mail.

4/5 5:09 pm Your package is transferred to the overseas  mail department near San Francisco International Airport.

4/5 9:09 pm Angelo  who is technically not a postal employee, but a contractor bought in so he could be paid less and save the post office money, takes your package and throws it near a bin filled with mail headed to the Isle of Rhodes near Greece in the Aegean Sea. Angelo realizes his mistake but thinks, "Hey! They don't pay me enough to care where anything goes..I just do what they say."

4/6 1:03 am Your package is loaded onto a 747 freight only plane

4/6 3:45 am Your package is on its way to the Isle of Rhodes in the Aegean Sea.

4/6 10:45 am. Your package arrives at the Isle of Rhodes

4/6 11:17 am Greek Postal Agent Stephanopolis Popsoffalot sees your package and mutters to himself, "Thees must be the work of my eediot cousin in America. How many times must he disappoint his mother? I guess it's up to me to save his souvlaki. AGAIN!"

4/6 1:29 pm. Agent Stephanopolis Popsoffalot redirects your package to the major hub at JFK International airport, and wonders, "How much better theengs might have been had JFK lived and never had an airport named after him."

4/6 3:18 pm Your package on its way to JFK International Airport and it's post office.

4/6 10:47 pm Your package received at receiving facility at JFK International Airport

4/6 11:37 pm Package clears US Customs. US Customs Agent Fazackerly sees the San Francisco return address on the envelope, realizes where your package has been and expedites handling to US Postal Service. "How many times is that loony in San Francisco going to disappoint his mother?" Fazackerly wonders to himself.

4/7 1:27 am Postal worker Montgomery Powell wanders into the sorting room and sees your package and asks when it's going  to Providence. He's told the Accounting Department wants to hold it till next week when a bunch of other packages are headed that way. Montgomery Powell, a walrus of a man with a big bushy mustache to match literally snorts, "Damn bean counters! Don't they know this is for Carleen Fredette? Damn it all to hell, I'll take it to Providence myself!"

4/7 1:38 am Postal Worker Montgomery Powell comandeers a postal jeep and hits the road, crossing the Brooklyn Queens Expressway and onto the Triborough Bridge in record time. Soon he's on Interstate 95 East headed towards Providence.

4/7 3:45 am Powell pulls into the Milford Rest Stop and Service area for some coffee. He's got a hankering for some Panda meat and he wants it now, so naturally he goes to Panda Express. Also, there's a cute waitress who reminds him of his departed wife, Mildred. "Ohh, Mildred, you were done too soon" he thinks.

4/7 4:14 am Powell is back on the road.

4/7 8:45 am Powell drops your package off at the Providence Handling Facility and then curses himself for not dropping it off in South Kingstown. He went right through it. "Must be losin' a step he thinks.

4/7 9:15 am Joey Rugerrio, a dope if ever there was one, takes your package and wanders around aimlessly with for a few hours. Joey had one of those "No Work Jobs" Rhode Island is famous for.

4/7 12:53 pm Joey hands off your package to Damien Hitler. Yeahhh, that's his real name. He promised his dying mother he would never change it, but sooner or later he will change the Hitler part. That he did not agree to!

4/7 3:11pm Damien Smith, ("Great! The name change just came through!")takes your package to the truck heading down to South County. Unfortunately the truck has a flat and won't be fixed for another hour or so.

4/7 5:12 pm Flat fixed and Postal Worker James Finneran is driving down Interstate 95 to South County.

4/7 10:19 pm Package Received at top secret South County Postal Facility ready to be sorted for next day delivery.

4/8 5:41 am Your package received at Wakefield Post Office

4/8 7:26 am Darryl Cootes, of the Uxbridge Cootes takes your package and puts it in his mail sack. He knows the "mail sack" is a call back to the days of yesteryear, but still likes having if full despite everyone else using bins in their trucks.

4/8 8:42 am Cootes stops off at Starbucks and wonders if the lobsters are any good today over at Ocean Catch Seafood.

4/8 10:15 am Cootes checks his watch and says, "Aww geeze, look at the time!" I'd better get this package over to Cah-leen's ASAP!" Cootes was born in Iowa and grew up pronouncing his R sounds. But after being stationed in Newport when he was in the Navy he fell in love with the state and has stayed there ever since. He even drops his R sounds and hopes that after 50 years Rhode Islanders will accept him as a native Rhode Islander. He doesn't realize that will never happen, even if he's in Rhode Island another fifty years.

4/8 1:52 pm. Your package is dropped off. Old Darryl Cootes thinks, "Maybe I'll drop by Rippy's on the way home and get a six pack. Hope the Sawx game is still on TV."